New Year, New You?

New years day is typically a day where we see all the ads telling us how to be thinner, healthier, calmer, richer, more successful. Some of you may be feeling the pressure to start a new habit to better yourselves and some may just be praying for a better year to come. Building in new habits that help you become healthier are not bad for you. But please know that you are wonderful just the way you are. You are loved. You are important. And those littles (or big ones) in your home, love you for you.

If you really want to make a new year’s resolution, reflecting back on the past year can help with determining where you want to go in the future. Yet, who has time to reflect? If you have the opportunity to have a quiet bath, or set your alarm for 5 mins. earlier before the kids wake up, or heck, even go to the washroom, grab your phone and just scroll through your photos from the past year. You’d be amazed at all of the things you did, or at the very least, see the things that inspired you enough to take a picture of it. Take a look and see what brought you joy. And maybe even what brought you stress. Do more of the stuff that brought you joy and see if there is a way to decrease the latter.

My goal is to let others know how much I care about them and how grateful I am that they are in my life. We don’t seem to hear this enough and at times, probably often, we question our parenting. We all have regrets, make mistakes, and struggle to understand how to best support our kids. Be let me tell you… I see you. I see the frustration, the lack of patience, uncertainty, fear, and even heartache. But I also see that this is usually out of fear and self-doubt. I see the strength, patience, perseverance, love, guidance, teachings, joy, and awe shining in you. You are doing an amazing job. You are an amazing parent. Your kid(s) are working harder than they should have to at times to keep up with society’s expectations, but man do they celebrate when they achieve their goals! They shine from the inside out what it means to love fiercely (even if this isn’t shown in the “typical” way), they see the beauty in the world in a way that is shadowed for us at times. Many of our kids can just “be”.

To those of you who have children who are hating themselves, struggling to fit in, having difficulty keeping up in school, and are frustrated more than not, they may need a little extra lovin’. Being there, just to listen, can allow for a stream of information to flow and understand them better. Just keep giving them the love and let them know you are there for them. No judgement. Just there.

And if you feel they need a little extra support, reach out to the school and see if they can see the counsellor. Contact your family health team to set up counselling. Check in with Autism Ontario to see if they can connect you with counsellors qualified to help.

Here is a list of resources you can reach out to:

Kinark: https://www.kinark.on.ca/

New Path: https://newpath.ca/

Catulpa Community Support Services: https://catulpa.on.ca/programs-and-services/

Youth Wellness Hub: https://youthhubs.ca/en/sites/north-simcoe/

Chigamik: https://www.chigamik.ca/your-health/mental-health-and-addictions-counselors/

Chigamik Traditional Healing: https://www.chigamik.ca/your-health/traditional-healing/

Georgian Bay Native Friendship Centre: https://www.gbnfc.com/programs

M├ętis Nation of Ontario: https://www.metisnation.org/programs-and-services/

Catholic Family Services of Simcoe County: https://cfssc.ca/locations/midland/

Catholic Family Services of Simcoe County Online Groups: https://cfssc.ca/mindself/

2SLGBTQ+ Gilbert Centre: https://gilbertcentre.ca/

Waypoint Child and Family Services: https://www.waypointcentre.ca/programs_and_services/family_child_and_youth_mental_health_program

North Simcoe Family Health Team: https://nsfht.ca/childrens-mental-health/

Lastly, I am grateful for you! Keep doing you and know that you aren’t alone! xo

Wishing you all the best in this new year to come!

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Transfer of Skills

The transferring of skills can be tricky and pop up when you least expect it! Gracie has become very independent in taking the public transit and walking around town, working, and attending school. However, there are still many things we worry about. How do we know when to let them fly?

I received a call from her the other day. She was on her break and wanted to walk to a restaurant across the street from her work. Knowing the majority of her experience with crossing the road at stop lights has been in our small town which is a little less busy, I hesitantly said that would be okay and went over all the safety rules again. Do NOT walk when the hand signal is up. ONLY walk when the sign shows the person walking and the light is green. Don’t hesitate and go back and forth on your feet because that confuses the drivers. Make sure to look all around you as you walk because drivers aren’t always paying attention. Walk, don’t run because the roads are a bit slippery.

Gracie got to the set of lights closest to her work. But what I hadn’t prepared her for was the cross walk painted on the road was no longer visible because of all the snow. Since she couldn’t see it anymore, she assumed she could not cross there. Gracie walked to the farther cross walk which is at a busier intersection. She didn’t follow one rule and that was wait for the walking signal. But what I had also failed to mention was do not walk when the hand is flashing. And that is when she decided to go. She thought she could make it before the cars got too close and she got stuck in the median. As she puts it, God saved her life and she prayed for the first time (Grace is not spiritual or religious in any way). She said she saw her life flash before her eyes hours later when she and her dad were driving through that same intersection. Basically, it really scared her!

The other thing I failed to consider was her anxiety about being late and her love for food. She had 30 minutes to get to the restaurant, order her food, eat her food, and be back to work ready to go. This is what made her rush. I should have known better. But instead of being hard on myself, I’m taking this as a lesson learned (thankfully fear is all that was experienced and not something worse). We will go back to those intersections, and others, and practice the skill of safely walking across the street in many different places.

So here is what I hope you take from this…we all are human and make mistakes. We can’t predict what is going to happen or what lessons really stick with our kids. We can’t anticipate they will always follow the rules. And we need to let them fly on their own. Mistakes are how we learn and we just hope not too dangerously. And lastly, we need to teach our kids skills in different areas, with different distractions, different times of the day, and so on. Sometimes they can master a skill but only in that one environment.

Forget the fact that Gracie can create an entire power point presentation with all the bells and whistles all on her own, this was a bigger challenge.

As I once heard at the Geneva Centre for Autism Conference by an adult with autism, “the things that are the most common sense to us, are the skills that need to be explicitly taught”.

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If only…

With all of the back to school posts, university and college students moving away and last summer weekend fun shown on social media, I became very mindful of the comparison that can happen when scrolling through those sites. I enjoy sharing trips and accomplishments and photos as well, as this makes it an easy way to share with friends and family. Even our Well Balanced Life posts are meant to share, inspire and support, but this too may have someone comparing their own life or child or situation to what we experience.

I just wanted to remind you that you, your child, and your family, are perfect in your own imperfect ways, just the way you are. I wanted to remind you that communicating (even non-verbally) for the first time, is just as big of an accomplishment as going off to college. Tying your shoes at the age of 15 is just as successful as moving away from home. Hearing the words “I love you” for the first time, stepping bare foot in the sand, going to a mall, swimming, even sitting calmly for more than a few minutes, can be such a big accomplishment for our kids. And they grow at their own pace. They mature. And they may still struggle as adults. But it’s important that we don’t compare them to others because they have their own path. Not one person is the same. Don’t we teach our kids this all the time? How boring life would be if we were all the same? Dare to be different. Don’t worry what others think. It’s funny how we, as adults, do this often.

As I age, I care less about what others think. But I’d be lying if I said I never cared. It’s human. We’re human. But it can make us lose sight of what’s important. And makes us forget how far we’ve all come.

If things are tough right now, please know you aren’t alone. This too shall pass just like every other challenging time you’ve experienced. You’ve got this!

And, if no one has told you yet today, let me say: You are an amazing mom. An amazing dad, sister, brother, person! You are appreciated. Loved. And respected.

We are wishing all the best to the kids starting school, parents, homeschool parents and all of the siblings out there. You are ALL amazing!

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Sibling Love

Our Christmas this year was spent at Lake Louise with the 5 of us sharing one hotel room and spending every minute together. We didn’t know how this was going to work out. They love each other. But let’s be honest, they each have their own needs, likes, dislikes, and routines. And one of them (miss Gracie) can get very excited and anxious over a change in her routine. And no matter how much we try to prepare her, there are always unexpected mishaps that occur. A lot of patience was needed in order for this trip to go smoothly. And smoothly it did. For the most part. I was so amazed at their level of patience and friendship with each other. I don’t know if it’s because they are all growing up and maturing or just plain luck. I’d like to believe they’ve matured.

Gowing up wasn’t always easy. Having three kids and only two hands made it difficult to be there for all 3 at the same time. The screaming and meltdowns, refusals and challenges were at their peak when Gracie was younger. Screaming in the middle of night and waking the entire house up made it difficult to get a good night sleep which made dealing with those challenges even harder. For everyone. The kids got good at going to their rooms and shutting the door to minimize the noise. Emma was more of a helper if she thought she could help calm her. She became Gracie’s go-to person at school. And when Emma graduated from high school, Josh took on that role.

I know we can worry about siblings having to grow up faster, feeling pressure to behave more or do well in all areas of their life, taking on more responsibility than a child should, and we worry about not being able to meet their needs when they have a sibling whose needs exceed theirs. Especially if there are health related concerns that require you to travel to doctors appointments and hospital visits. But what can happen is each sibling becomes more patient and understanding. Non-judgemental and kind to others, helping those who are in distress. My kids aren’t perfect and I know as they were growing up, they’ve said or done things that I wouldn’t be proud of. But behind the scenes, they’ve done some pretty amazing things that have helped others who didn’t feel like they fit in or were struggling with life, in tremendous ways, and little ways, that know one else will know of.

I have another post called “Sibling Sanity” that shares some strategies on how to best deal with challenging times and how to best support those siblings. Click on the link above to bring you there.

Please know this post is meant to share with you the growth and positive outcomes that can arise as the kids get older. It will be okay. You’ve raised great kids! Trust that all you’ve taught them will present itself. And if they can’t stand each other right now, they will soon enough!

If you haven’t been told this yet today….YOU are a GREAT parent!

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Mental Health

Mental health has been a hot topic these days with the pandemic and online learning and oh so much more time spent together! Isolation and some losing the social skills they once had. It’s a tough time. No question about it. Anxiety and depression are increasing, children who were receiving support in person are now doing it by phone or video (or not at all), some people have lost the social skills they have worked so hard to gain and some are having more positive experiences of feeling less overwhelmed by crowds and expectations. We all deal with stress in our own way and as many of you know, our kids can show their frustration, sadness, anger and fear in so many different ways! Here are some links with resources to help your child, teen, adult or…yourself.

https://www.headspace.com/articles/how-to-reduce-anxiety

Breathing Exercises – Once your child knows about “smelling the flower and blowing out the candle” breathing, you won’t need the videos and you can do this anywhere. The trick is to practice them when they aren’t at a heightened moment.

GoNoodle Guided Relaxation for Kids! GoNoodle has some great relaxation and movement exercises for kids. Check this one out below!

Melt your anger, frustration or fears away!

The link below has information and strategies on several mental health topics. There are worksheets provided in a Module format. Go to Resources and Looking After Yourself.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

BounceBack – Online or Coaching

The North Simcoe Family Health Team Counselling

Autism Ontario Adult Mental Health

https://www.autismontario.com/programs-services/adults/mental-health-matters

These are just a few of the resources out there. And as always, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us! You can find us on Facebook at Well Balanced Life or email us at wellbalancedlife@rogers.com!

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Constant Change & Uncertainty!

Wowzers! This back and forth lockdown is challenging! My girl remembers the dates for EVERYTHING! She can even tell you what day of the week it was, let’s say, on April 4, 2015! As long as she has some memory of the activity we did on a specific day, she remembers the exact date. And quite often, she expects to do the same thing on that day each year. She’s makes “anniversaries” out of everything. So when Lecce says the schools will reopen after their April spring break, she knew it was a crock! She kept anticipating that the school would be closed because it was closed last March break. If something happened once, she believes it will happen again. As much as I’ve tried to teach her over the years that this is not the case (so she doesn’t need to stress about bad experiences happening again), this Covid year has totally made a liar out of me! For a girl who HATES change and needs warning, especially before totally turning her world upside down, I have to say, she’s handled it better than I expected. But, poor thing was eating an ice cream cone the other day, started laughing about something and broke in to tears! It had finally caught up to her. She had no idea why she was crying…but I sure did. This third wave has us all exhausted and frustrated. She doesn’t want to do online learning. She hasn’t been able to spend time in person with her friends. She is still waiting to see if she will get to go to camp this year. (She doesn’t believe it will happen because of last year’s cancellation). Even though Covid hasn’t changed her life too much (compared to others who work or go out all the time) to her, this is big. Just being told she can’t go anywhere, even though she rarely does, doesn’t sit well with her. Before it was on her terms. Now it’s not.

I wish I knew what the answer was. I wish I knew what the outcome will be so I could give her warning. But I don’t. So today, I think we will go over several possible scenarios and come up with a plan for each one. A list of fun things we can do, know matter what the outcome. It’s the best way I know how to prepare her. I’ll post our list on another blog post once we get it done to share with you. At least this way, she can be prepared as best as possible. If you have any ideas on how you’re handling the lockdown and the unknowns, please share in the comments! It would be great to hear from you!

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Feel Your Feels

I posted on our Facebook page yesterday, asking if anyone else felt like crying. The response was amazing and this community inspires me everyday. Just knowing others are with you and support you means everything. I struggle with admitting or asking for help. When you are used to helping others, you hear and see their struggles. I work in a hospital now where I see people hurting physically and emotionally every day, and it’s hard to accept that my little sadness of having to home school is anything worth complaining about. It was more than just about homeschooling Grace yesterday. It was feeling emotional because I can’t hug my dad on his 70th birthday. I can’t celebrate the life of a legend, my grandma, who passed away during all of this. Seeing the teachers trying to teach with their own little ones at home needing their parent’s help. It’s being tired of seeing the disconnect and arguments between those who believe in Covid and those who don’t. It’s the fear for loved ones and strangers alike who may not get their life saving surgeries and treatments because the hospitals are overloaded and trying to prevent the spread. The obvious racism in this world, especially within the US at this time and what happened on January 6th. The difference between what happened at the Capitol vs. the Black Lives Matter protest. It’s hard to not get caught up in the dysfunction and sorrow. It’s hard to not cry about it.

So even though my difficulties may be small compared to what is happening in the world, I’m going to feel my feels. I believe we are all feeling things during these times. Albeit, different in comparison to others, we are all dealing with our own feelings. And that’s ok. So if you are like me and don’t feel like you have a right to complain or feel sad because in the grand scheme of things, you are fortunate to being living this beautiful life you are living, I’m giving you permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Cry if you need to cry. Scream if you need to scream. Laugh if you need to laugh. Then go and remind yourself what you have to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful for you.

Thank you xo

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Christmas and Covid

Well, I’m sitting here by my christmas tree, enjoying the peace it brings. I love the calmness of the lights. But, I’m also hearing Gracie participate with her Community Living Teen group on a zoom meeting, decorating christmas cookies with her friends, so I guess it’s not that relaxing at the moment lol, but it’s still wonderful to hear. Her group leaders have been extremely creative in bringing the kids together, in a different way than they are used to.

I’m sitting here, thinking about how Christmas will look a little different for all of us. As much as we have missed our annual family Christmas party, the large gathering of family over dinner, and travelling to visit family who are further away, I’m reminding myself that different is okay. How often do we tell our children that being different makes the world a brighter, more beautiful place? Sometimes we need to be resilient and go with the flow of life. Sometimes we can be in control (if that’s ever possible living in a special needs world) and sometimes we can predict and prepare. This year is definitely not one that we are used to! As hard as this year will be, instead of breaking traditions, I hope to create new ones. Maybe now that my teens won’t be able to socialize with their friends this time around, we’ll spend more time watching Christmas movies together or maybe tobogganing or hiking. I’m not sure just yet what it will look like but I’m sure we can come up with something to do that will be remembered for years to come.

I don’t know about you, but holidays used to be our more difficult time with G because holidays bring surprises and sensory overload and busy times and rushing times and socializing and lack of a schedule, unpredictability and sugar! But, this year might be more peaceful for us and for you and your family, for the simple fact that…well, Christmas will be simple. Quieter and hopefully calmer.

I don’t hide the fact that it’s going to be very sad that we won’t get to see family and loved ones in person. I’m struggling with not being able to hug people. I’m a hugger. I don’t hide the fact that this will be the first Christmas without my Grandma and that we have other family members who aren’t here with us anymore. I think of those who will be alone at Christmas, those struggling with their mental health and those who can barely put food on the table for their families. Maybe this year we can come up with a tradition to help or honour some of those people. Life can be challenging and boy are we being challenged.

To those of you who have lost loved ones, to Covid, or not. To those of you who are struggling with your child’s challenging symptoms. To those of you who are not able to work or have had to close your small business. To those of you who aren’t able to spend the holidays with your loved ones as you have every other year. Please know that you aren’t alone. Every person in the world is dealing with this pandemic. Every person has their own challenges and stories. So please be kind to yourself. And please be kind to others. We don’t know what others are truly going through. And most importantly…

…please reach out if you need a hand. To me, to family or to friends. It’s okay to ask for help when you need it. We all need some help once in a while.

Stay safe!

Sending love and strength your way,

Melanie

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Don’t Forget to Listen

I had a conversation with a parent the other day regarding some struggles they were having with their child. The first advice I give to parents, caregivers and educators is to ask their child/student. Talk to them. Ask them what they are struggling with and what they feel they are doing well at. What are their likes and dislikes? What makes them happy and what upsets or angers them? Especially as a teen, it is good to let them know that you see they are struggling and you support them no matter what. The question, “How can I help you?” or “What do you need from me? I’m here,” can go a very long way sometimes. Instead of us telling them what they should be doing (don’t get me wrong, I feel like I’m telling Gracie all the time how to do things), we can ask them what they feel they need right now. In this very moment. Just letting them know that you are there for them, and allowing them to make some of their own decisions (as long as they are safe) empowers them to make the right choice and you just might be surprised! All of those things you’ve been harping on your kids for, might just sink in. We tend to forget sometimes that our kids, no matter what age, can be very insightful to what they need. Obviously this is more difficult for some. Some of your kids may be non-verbal, or give you one word answers or a grunt. They may say things are fine when they aren’t. But just letting them know you are there for them, can open up the doors to communication. If you child is non-verbal but can point to yes and no or nod their head, get creative and come up with some things you think might be triggering them. Look at what they are playing with or what they are watching. Sometimes if your child is watching the same episode over and over, it might be on topic with what they are going through. Sometimes the answer is right there in front of us but we are too busy to really see it. And don’t feel bad about that! Just remember, the answer could be the knowledge your child/student already has. They are pretty amazing.

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Thankful for the Little Things…

It’s been a whirlwind since Aaron and I got back from our trip a couple of weeks ago. My hubby’s appendix burst and he’s been in and out of the hospital since. Turns out he had two abscesses (infections the size of a couple golf balls) that were taken care of and now he is home and on the mend. Today has been the quietest and least busy day since we’ve returned home. Today is a day I am able to take a breath and reflect on all that I have to be thankful for.

Many of you are dealing with challenges every day and it can be hard to feel like you have anything to be grateful for at times. Life is hard. Yet, life is precious. When things are going well, it’s common to take those moments for granted. But when someone you love gets ill, (even if it’s minor) you start to realize all of those things that should not be taken for granted.

Today, as I have some quiet time to reflect, I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my husband and all he has provided for us. I am thankful for my children who rallied together to tidy, clean up after themselves and set the house up for their dad to be comfortable in. I’m thankful for my parents who held the fort while I drove kids here and there and stayed with Aaron when I could. I am thankful for family and friends that are always there, just when you need them. I am thankful for this quiet moment to come to the realization that Gracie was worried about her dad because to her, any surgery is serious. She’s never seen her dad in an unhealthy way. I realize every one of my frustrations with her came out because that is how she deals with her anxiety, and I couldn’t see that. And I realize, I need to give the kid a break. So what if she left all the frozen fruits on top of the fridge instead of in it. So what if she asks me a gazillion questions a day that she knows the answer to, or sits/stands a foot away STARING at me. Non-stop. So what, if she is obsessed with food and constantly asking to eat, especially the sweets. So what if she is always there. Always. I need to get over it. I need to remember how far this girl has come!

Today I am grateful our family is healthy and happy. We have a roof over our head and food on the table. We have family and friends and teachers and EAs and coworkers who we are blessed to have in our lives.

What can you be thankful for today? If you don’t have family or friends around, or feel like you don’t have anything to be thankful for on this day, please know you have a wonderful group of parents who are living a life similar to yours. The special needs community is a fierce one! We are there for each other. You are not alone! If you are feeling that way, please head over to our Facebook group and join our crew! Just click on the Facebook icon at the top right of this blog. Send me an email and we can chat. We are here for you. I am thankful for you. And if you haven’t heard this in a while, you are loved.

Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving day. xo

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